Grief and Loss

Both can take many forms

It seems to me that “Grief” can appear in two parts of your psyche — one part is where you present to the world as being totally rational, totally together, no problems really while your second inner part is completely hidden and is screaming inside with soundless pain.

And the feeling of grief can present so differently for so many. While grief can be felt immediately, it can also be delayed for quite some time before arriving to take a late but still very painful bow.

However, grief can also make a daily appearance as a waking, fleeting pain-filled thought. Both aspects are completely valid in their personal emergence; but sometimes the form grief takes can also surprise to the individual who may have thought that they had with finality, dealt with their personal grief. So, when it confronts the individual through resurrection and arrives from a hidden depth after being triggered by a thought or memory or even a piece of music; new doors are opened, tears flow, and fresh pain is felt.

But as grief can be so constricting, it needs to be dealt with to help us embrace life ahead. And having said just that; I still find it exceedingly difficult to deal with such matters. I think I have done so and then find to my disappointment that no; I have not.

And to be totally honest, my grief can sometimes take the form of anger! Talking is good but putting words onto paper is better. Grief for me takes root in my heart as a little black bag that alternately solidifies and liquefies. When it is solid it just sits there in a little corner of my heart minding its own business, but it can be activated quickly — almost like it is on a timer.

Triggered, it liquefies and explodes out of my being, cloaking me in such utter sadness I just wonder why? What did I do? How come? What can I do? Did I do enough? Could I have done something differently? And the last biggie. Basically, am I such a piece of shit even my mother could not love me equally? This is a noticeably big word — equally.

So loss occurs whereby you actually find that the mother you thought you had was not, in actual fact your mother. She was a figurehead, just a shell of a mother; basically, something you had always suspected since you were placed in boarding…

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