Revelations

Over the past two and a half years, I embarked on this journey to explore what I want and who I am. I thought going through the catalyst course was supposed to bring me tools to help others. Instead, I went on a journey inward that was more difficult than I had imagined. To this day, I am still working on my struggles. I fall into quicksand easily and stuck there for awhile. Being present is something I strive for. The future gives me hope yet anxiety and the past gives me experiences yet grief. I live in a space where only black and white exists. Not much of color in between. I probably learned this from my parents subconsciously. Looking back over the past few years, here are some revelations:

Revelations 1: Nothing is certain and there is no end to this journey but only breaks in between

When I started on this journey, I thought there was a finished line that I could reach. There is never a finished line, and life is never a straight line. If you start seeing your life is not going where you wanted to go, it means you’re resistant to what is. I always want to know what my next thing will be but it pulls into the quicksand which only gives me problems.Nothing is guaranteed in life. I can only work towards my vision but not holding it too tightly.

Revelations 2: I am responsible for my own needs.

Emotional needs: I invest more in quality friendships which I will feel heard and valued. Meanwhile, I am planning on going back to see a therapist to further unlearn some of my lessons. They gives me different lenses to solve my own problems. Meanwhile, I started to express my needs in a relationship which is scary because I have scared people away in the past. I don’t know how people will react but I created a stance for myself.

Creative needs: I do photography because it allows me to paint the world. I do draw sometimes but it has been a long time since I drew something. Maybe handcraft something for an upcoming day.

Physical needs: I started running and meditate at least three times a week especially with current outbreak. It keeps me insane and keeps my anxiety level at minimal possible.

Sexual needs: I do like to dress nicely for people, especially for her. It makes me feel good.

Intellectual needs: I finished I Used Be a Miserable F*** by John Kim who has inspired me to be the best version of myself. I strive to be like him to live authentically and honestly, and leaning into the unknown. Now my next book is Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins.

Spiritual needs: I practice Buddhism in life but more so of its kindness and compassion because I think we can all benefit from that.

Revelations 3: I don’t have to do life alone

I moved a lot when I was a kid. I went to three different middle schools and two different high schools; then, I eventually moved to the United States. I was forced to grow up and took care of myself. Because of forced abandonment, I had to rely on myself and couldn’t really trust anyone. My view of the world was distorted. I grayed out. But with therapy and coaching, I have a different lens which gave me insights on how I operate. Even though things have lightened up for me a bot, I feel the old self reels me back in from time to time and I don’t think it will ever go away.

Overall I have much work to do on myself still, and I am sure there will be more challenges ahead. To myself and to whoever is reading this:

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